so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
