I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
two words: eviction party
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Two words: blizzard sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
