Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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