Rock
Scissors
Fuck
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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