she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
