She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
