I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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