Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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