If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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