I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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