It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
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Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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