Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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