Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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