I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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