JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
