dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
