Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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