She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
