Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
