i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
