My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
