Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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