Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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