when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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