I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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