just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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