He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
