you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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