also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
