You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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