This is not my ceiling
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
