I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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