It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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