standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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