did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
