and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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