the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
