I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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