i came on her dog
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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