Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
