Swine flu. Run for my life!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
