my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
