I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
