Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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