It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sarcasm needs its own font
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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