last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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