I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
