Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
