Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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