she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
