If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
