She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
