im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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