So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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