omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
