Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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