He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I woke up under a house in Key West
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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