i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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