I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
