she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
