I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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