My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
