Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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