It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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