Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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