i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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